mY fear...

i have always given or allowed my mind the chance to picture myself failing and all the possible consequences follwing certain failiure. And now, i've been trying to shut that certain part of my brain that will lead me to think about failure. We all make plans in life or whatever it is that are imporatant as of the moment. I did, and as the days kept dragging, and the digit in the calendar seems like just a flash cards my teacher back in gradeschool used to play, it was so fast that i was left to guess what it is. Its like standing in the corner of the room looking at people making their life as a gift of possibilities. While i was there trying to convince my self to mind my own darn life. I felt so much fear but not of failure which is the least of my problem, it is about the people's opinion of my failure that is haunting me. How people will react and how will i react to there inquiring thoughts and the stupidity of explaining your self even though its not needed for me to do so. Its easier to said that i dont mind people and yet i'd be lying if i accept it and tell people im doing it.

same side of things...

I just looked up and see the starless skies above me.. and wonder if you're looking at it too at the very moment im looking up and searching for a glimpse of light from some star that have unhidden them selves from the black skies. Sad realities that there is always two side of things one that are given the hardest part -moving on and the other part which is given the foolish part- holding on. Whether we choose to move on or to hold on, one thing is for sure its never easy and no one can tell otherwise. It's not about the moving on or the holding on, its aboout the desperate plead to change the event that lead way to our struggle. You ask the person to help you believe that you can be totally freed from it, that its the surest and best possible solution to all the pain and the chains that somehow become tanggled on its way to giving up. I have the same skies for the pass ten months but its just now that i had the idea of the other side of that skies and then questions starts flooding my mind.

black shadow's bacK....

I thought i was healed, that i'm stronger now-that the first month's hell was over. Its my tenth month now here in sand world and today was different from the pass months or days , today i felt terrible sadness the one where i felt i'm completely alone. Today i'm back to my old self..back to beinG assertive of everything i have now.. whether im doing better than before... today i never heard myself utter the "best" word. I felt lonely...and its scares me so much that i felt so numb.. i can only lay in bed and re-assest and re-asserN everything i have.. i once told my self that i'm going to change my perspective in life. But today in a spun of minutes i'm back to the old me. I gave way to old feelings, to old hurts and pains. They say that no man can never run away to old shadows, its somehow connected to us whether we want it or not.we can never escape the past, the wound we thought was healed and those pains we thought we're over with, they kept coming back. Its really hard to start over, pretending i'm stronger and ready was just a joke i wanted to play to myself. I never missed my life back for like months now.. i thought i was happy now with what small world i have and small light of hope i can pick from the day to day struggle. I was never happy- just that i dont have a choice but to feel somehow good about mylife , that im far better that the rest, thankfull that i was luckier compare to others, and that others are more screwed up than me. I was thankful but not completely happy. Im drifting to empty shore..wondering what the hell im doing right here? and what the hell to do next. Today, my mind's voluntarily making track all the troubles i had. all the painful mem'ries i tried to hide from my self and it's skipping all those mem'ries that gave way to all the changes i had in life. save me.

this one....

i havenT reallY posted anything for almost a year now..mainly for the reason that my life become suddenly toxic, chaotic and more pressurinG.. and thou, the days and months has'not really stopped ..my mind become to much occupied that writing anything about it was a struggle to my hard life.. I have loved manY and met manY , I have lost a friend and gain sometHing in return but life as always was and can never conforms to all my plans. Each day started with great expectation and sometimes it paid off but there are days and times that it ended worst than when it started....

some bad memories

today was the 3rd day na i havent receieved any messages from my mR. reckon, i never thought i'll get a day without it.. di pa la. I looked down on my self, akala ko im so into him, hindi pala.. Yes i guess it sounds just like giving affirmation to myslef but i dont care really.. My heart is so resilient that i'll survived another of this drama, another rejection and another abandonment..I wont stay sulking or and feeling sorry for my wound,it'll soon be just a scar and it will heal.. I'll survive and im ok.. life wont stop because he left or he decided to not exist in my life.. I did survived years without knowing him and i can even after this. Im looking for love in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people. I know time is not running out for me, i'll have my 2nd, 3rd or 10th chance in love. and by that time i know then that all the right thing is put up in all the right places,with the right people. Im praying for happiness in his life.Goodbye and thanks.

hand sanitizing techniques

oK i admit it I'm not perfect, i do in fact have so much frailties in life that mY closet are full of my skeletons from my past and from my todays, they now sit still on a corner of my closet gathering dust and hunting me everyday..the fact that i am who i am make such a distinct qualities of someone who is bound to failures and rejection.And often times i am that someone who'll constantly make things tidy or spotless and yet i still fail, i fail bad and i failed more than once.But i never stop..failure was never an issue to me i was used to it in the sense that it never really shut down my nerves and stop trying.. or because i have my reason to not stop- my skeleton, the past.. I wanted to be good on everything for me to cover for my past mistakes, for people to see i've changed and that in fact i was someone they can be proud of. Or because i was someone who believed that it doesn't matter how bad you failed or how hard the falling down was, its just a matter of perspective and its a matter of belief..i give so much on my todays that i lose track count on my failures.Everyone has their own version of failing,no one can put judgement to anyone and they shouldn't because everyone has a rotten skeleton hidden somewhere in their closet..I know i have but it can never put me down to not try and even if i fail and so i'll still try

nakaka-miss...

today..i was thinkin what i've missed more.. and what just strucked me eh..namimiss ko ung party where i would dance till 2am.. un ung namimiss ko... i missed it so much..Di na kasi namin nagagawa ng mga friends ko ngaun un eh.. as if after college and after year out of it.. nawala na unng night life..we go through our lives na para bang na drain from partying... We used to go like makati or as far a batangas just to attend parties..now , well we have get together but the oldies stuff na like chitchating sa starbucks.. as if we matured over night the next thing i know i was sipping jelly coffee fraP or dining with them at tagaytay..in exchange of cold beer and grinding sa dancefloor.. they say nga time flies like crazy and before you knew it.. or realized it you're a completely changed person.... hahahaha its not that late pa naman eh and its not im 30 something na Im just 25 and i missed having great nightouts with friends..not the starbucks thingy i mean ...the nights in malate...or makati...where theres great music na will pull you to dance like hell and laugh because you just stepped on someone's foot..and the time spent with with friends as if we're back being just college studs.with no cares, and fear of what ahead of us... adamant sa lahat ng bagay...i miss me, loperamide, paracetamol, pantaprozale, nootrophil and anti-seizure...i missed the dance floor and the walang kamatayang September song...hahahaha...and our signatured steps..