same side of things...

I just looked up and see the starless skies above me.. and wonder if you're looking at it too at the very moment im looking up and searching for a glimpse of light from some star that have unhidden them selves from the black skies. Sad realities that there is always two side of things one that are given the hardest part -moving on and the other part which is given the foolish part- holding on. Whether we choose to move on or to hold on, one thing is for sure its never easy and no one can tell otherwise. It's not about the moving on or the holding on, its aboout the desperate plead to change the event that lead way to our struggle. You ask the person to help you believe that you can be totally freed from it, that its the surest and best possible solution to all the pain and the chains that somehow become tanggled on its way to giving up. I have the same skies for the pass ten months but its just now that i had the idea of the other side of that skies and then questions starts flooding my mind.

black shadow's bacK....

I thought i was healed, that i'm stronger now-that the first month's hell was over. Its my tenth month now here in sand world and today was different from the pass months or days , today i felt terrible sadness the one where i felt i'm completely alone. Today i'm back to my old self..back to beinG assertive of everything i have now.. whether im doing better than before... today i never heard myself utter the "best" word. I felt lonely...and its scares me so much that i felt so numb.. i can only lay in bed and re-assest and re-asserN everything i have.. i once told my self that i'm going to change my perspective in life. But today in a spun of minutes i'm back to the old me. I gave way to old feelings, to old hurts and pains. They say that no man can never run away to old shadows, its somehow connected to us whether we want it or not.we can never escape the past, the wound we thought was healed and those pains we thought we're over with, they kept coming back. Its really hard to start over, pretending i'm stronger and ready was just a joke i wanted to play to myself. I never missed my life back for like months now.. i thought i was happy now with what small world i have and small light of hope i can pick from the day to day struggle. I was never happy- just that i dont have a choice but to feel somehow good about mylife , that im far better that the rest, thankfull that i was luckier compare to others, and that others are more screwed up than me. I was thankful but not completely happy. Im drifting to empty shore..wondering what the hell im doing right here? and what the hell to do next. Today, my mind's voluntarily making track all the troubles i had. all the painful mem'ries i tried to hide from my self and it's skipping all those mem'ries that gave way to all the changes i had in life. save me.